


How Many Times Must My Heart Break?

by ThatMerlinFangirl



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Pining, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-28 12:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8446357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatMerlinFangirl/pseuds/ThatMerlinFangirl
Summary: Or 'Five times Mordred's love life didn't work out and the one time it did.'





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry about the awful writing quality of this but this fix wanted to be written and I'm too tired to edit it again. Hope you enjoy it anyway.

Morgana was his first love.

It was the perfect romantic meeting. She saved him from being hit by a car, insisted on taking him all the way to the hospital and when she found out his landlord had kicked him out, offered the use of her spare room until he got himself sorted out.

He was a third-year philosophy student. She was a graphic designer and all the things he wasn't - beautiful, charming, talented. Huge was an understatement for her personality.

Soon, the spare bedroom arrangement became a little more permanent.

They were both smitten. They walked the streets of London hand-in-hand, watched black and white films, talked and laughed and kissed and loved. She introduced him to her overprotective brother Arthur who actually turned out to be one of the best friends Mordred had ever had.

And then her father died and a massive row ravaged the Pendragon family.

Morgana grew angry, wild, sad, possessive. She would start weeping over half-drunk bottles of wine. Demand to know his every move, treating him like a child. She became unpredictable, sour, downright horrible. She wasn't the Morgana he'd fallen for. And Mordred, barely out of college, unsteady and in over his head, couldn't cope.

He tried, elegantly, to break up with her but he made a mess of it. A mess that resulted in tears, screams, slaps and broken glass until Morgause intervened and dragged her away.

Arthur, bitter and proud, had been more than willing to act as his moral support. And Mordred, being the hopeless romantic type, was sad, he was lonely, but also relieved. Morgana had choked him, drowned him, and now he was free.

~~~

The thing with Gwaine only lasted a few days. They met at the club where Mordred was put with some  friends from the office. He was downing another glass of tequila, trying to be sociable, when Gwaine, all smirks and chest hair, sauntered over and started chatting with him.

Half an hour later, they were back at his flat, ripping the clothes off each other.

And they went on like that for a bit, flirting and drinking and kissing - quite a bit more than kissing actually - until Mordred realised it wasn't going to work.

Sure Gwaine was handsome and fun and had one hell of a good taste in fast-food places but Mordred wasn't looking for fun or casual. He was looking for someone more - intense.

He was trying to figure out the best way to break this to him over breakfast when Gwaine said "Look sugar, you're cute and all but I don't think this is really working out for us is it?"

Mordred just shook his head sadly in agreement.

~~~

He met Mithian at a party at Arthur's. They were introduced, shook hands and then spent the entire evening discussing Nietzsche.

She was like a classier, even tempered Morgana. He loved her cleverness and her wit and how she didn't treat him like a child like so many of his friends did. And of course she was drop dead gorgeous.

It was a strange, scholarly romance. Trips to libraries and museums replaced greasy spoon cafes and starlit walks. It was more sophisticated, more adult. The lovemaking was more... sacred.

Ultimately, she was too sophisticated for him. Neither of them really wanted the other, not properly. There wasn't really a breakup. They just drifted apart.

Mordred was beginning to despair of ever finding someone. Arthur said he was being ridiculous and there was more to life than romance and for God's sake Mordred you're twenty one you've got the rest of your bloody life.

Which was probably right.

~~~

Around that time, his mum died.

It was so completely unexpected and out of the blue and it sent him abruptly crashing down to earth, along with the grief and heartache and the horrible, horrible panic attacks which he thought he'd had under control, but apparently not.

It was when Gwen came into the picture.

She was exactly what he needed - a shoulder to cry on. Patient and kind and caring and an expert at making very good chocolate brownies. 

But after the storm blew over, it began to feel horribly strained, like a filler. It felt like he was waiting for something and Mordred had a terrible feeling that  he was simply using her.

Evidently, she felt the same way. Mordred arrived at their flat one day to find her in a passionate embrace with Arthur.

He abruptly turned, walked right out and didn't speak to either of them for two weeks. 

Gwen left voicemails apologising over and over every goddamn day, Arthur tried to talk to him, but it took ages for Mordred to finally forgive them and admit he wasn't really interested.

He was just jealous. Jealous of the love that had blossomed in their hearts and not his.

~~~

And then he thought he'd finally found The One.

Kara was the new office receptionist - blatantly outspoken, rebellious and ice cool. But she was _lovely._ She laughed at his jokes. She'd talk politics and Socrates for hours. She desperately wanted to help refugees of the war in Syria. And, when he asked her out, she said yes.

Kara was perfect. And he adored her.

They went to obscure ice cream parlours and marched in activist parades and had romantic candlelit dinners. It was his dizzying, euphoric college romance with Morgana, only this time it would have a happy ending.

Or so he convinced himself.

Really it was too good to last. They had their highs and their very very lows and eventually one night, she dumped him.

She sneered at him. Called him naive and stupid. Clingy and pathetic. Hopeless. As if they hadn't made love in their bed last night and whispered each other's names in the afterglow. 

Kara broke his heart.

~~~

Late that same night, Mordred was freezing to death in the corner of the cafe, huddled over a lager and so melodramatic and miserable that he couldn't tell the difference between his tears and the rain lashing against the window. 

Then the lager disappeared and was replaced by a steaming mug of hot chocolate, topped with a mountain of fluffy cream and marshmallows.

He looked up, confused, to see the barista, with dark hair and ridiculous ears and blue blue eyes, sat down opposite him.

"Thanks." he muttered, reaching for his wallet.

"It's OK, you don't have to pay. You look like you need it."

"Oh," Mordred's eyes searched for the name tag. 'Merlin'. "Well. Thanks again."

Merlin crossed his arms on the table and rested his chin on top. "Do you want to talk?"

A few minutes later, Mordred was crying into his hot chocolate and pouring out his heart, ranting about what a bitch Kara was and how stupid life was and how he still loved her and wanted her back which was just fucking stupid and why did love hurt so much?

Merlin sat and listened to it all and when Mordred got too choked up to speak, took his hand and held it gently. And he didn't say it was going to be OK. Mordred was glad about that.

He ended up returning to the cage the next morning. And the next and the next and the next and the next.

If asked to describe Merlin, Mordred could recite a long list of words. Kind, sassy, funny, clever, selfless, adorable, nerdy, clumsy, smiley, cute, sexy, beautiful.

He was like the sun. He lit up the world everywhere he went.

He certainly lit up Mordred's.

And Mordred was afraid. Afraid that it would go wrong. Afraid that he'd do or say something stupid and lose Merlin forever and he couldn't really handle that.

But Merlin was persistent. And very cute. And scarily erudite on X-Men and literature.

Their first date was to see _Inferno_ at the cinema. And Mordred (unsurprisingly) botched it completely by forgetting to buy tickets, working himself up into a nervous state and nearly dying of embarrassment.

But Merlin simply laughed and said it didn't matter at all you idiot. 

They wound up curled up on Mordred's sofa, eating chocolate digestives and shouting at Charles Xavier on the TV.

And Mordred told Merlin about his mum and how he'd had panic attacks for most of his life and his many disastrous romances and how he loved eating peanut butter with ice cream.

Merlin in turn told him about how when he was four he wanted to be a dragon and how he was the only virgin in his entire art class (which was kind of embarrassing but also attained him a godlike superiority) and that his dad was banged up in prison for manslaughter two years ago.

And many nights and hot chocolates and confessions later, when they kissed and Mordred whispered "I love you." in the dark, he meant it.


End file.
